TFIF :)

Well, thank goodness its Friday and the weekend is upon us. I would like to say the prospect of a lay in tomorrow was big on the agenda, but as I have to leave the house by 9.45 with the girls, I'm not sure how much of a lay in I'll get!

But the good news is that I get to have snuggles and stuff with Robin later. The girls are really looking forward to his arrival, and they aren't the only ones!

After my navel gazing yesterday I realized a thing or two. One of them being that I do want this relationship with Robin to "Work" and the only thing holding it back is me. So I'm going to stop being negative about what might or might not happen, sit back and enjoy the ride. After all, you never know where it might lead.

I do know that I miss him when he isn't here and I think about him a lot during the day till I can speak to him at night. I love his body not only for the sexy bits but also for the cuddles and snuggles. I like the way he understands me and listens well... All of which add up to a good thing really.

Had a lovely afternoon in school with the girls. There was a travelling theatre company in doing a science play about walking to school and thinking of the environment. It was real fun and I think the children learnt a lot. It was lovely to be back in class with a pair of scissors in my hands after helping the children with activities... I almost miss the Rainbows I used to help out with... But not that much.

Ups and downs

Maybe its the change in the weather or something, but I seem to be all over the place at the moment. I feel hopelessly out of control with most things in my life. From eating to money to relationships, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm heading.

Now most of you would say what's the problem with that? But for me its like an alcoholic suddenly being made to go dry. I'm usually so in control of my life, with long term plans mapped out for years to come, that this whole stage of my life is frightening.

So perhaps I should narrow down what is scaring me and find a resolution one step at a time.

Money .... Why does it seem to need to go out faster than it comes in? I still have a generous spirit and like to have the nice things in life, do things for others that usually involves money...Etc and so on. But I know the reality is that I can't continue to do so, I have got to get a grip on my finances and learn to budget. The trouble is that whenever I feel up to doing so I panic and want to bury my head in the sand. I think being on my own and in charge of the household is just scaring me big style, but so far I'm muddling along. The trouble is I don't want to be muddling along, I want to be in control. (Ok, so I know I'm submissive in bed, but it doesn't stop me wanting control in the rest of my life) Thank God I can't get a credit card, at least that is one temptation out of the way.

Which leads me onto relationships. There's this cute guy, who is wonderful and seems to be everything that I could want. But.... I thought that with Cris and look how that turned out! I'll give you that his attitude is very different to Cris and that you can't judge all men the same just because of one or two bad apples.

Robin is wonderful with the girls and keen to be part of their life properly, we've joked about him working abroad and us living with him over there, a fantastic idea, but everything frightens me. I moved from Shepperton to Orpington for Cris, made a new life for him and look what happened. He decided HE didn't love me and that was that. What if the same thing happens again? I can't keep picking myself up and starting again. I don't think I've got the energy to do so.

Even being in a relationship is scaring me to death, I worry about the effect it is having on the children, am I teaching them to sleep about, and that its ok to have continual short term relationships? It doesn't bode well for them as they get older, I'd rather be teaching them to have one long monogamous relationship for life. Old fashioned ideals maybe, but non the less, ones that I would rather they grew up with. Not only that, but my heart feels so battered that I don't know how it would cope if it were hurt again. I'm scared to open up and admit feelings (even to myself) in case it all goes wrong and I'm left alone again. But on the other hand how fair is it to a relationship if I don't really try and let loose with my emotions.

Which all sounds really negative when in reality I want to run headlong down the path of happiness, love and commitment to someone. I just don't want to do so and get hurt again in the process. I want to love and be loved, to care for someone else on a deep level. I want to be their life and have them be mine, to give myself completely to them. But letting go of old hurts and pains is so hard, each step fought along the way, but I will not give up and let my past destroy my future. It is in the past and will stay there, I am in the present and I have the future ahead of me.

Anyway, time to wrap up the navel gazing session and head over to Jacqui's to see what the man from Moben can come up with for their kitchen. She needs back up and support as she is not signing on any dotted line today!

Trains

Had a wonderful weekend, despite the initial disappointment of Dad not being able to have the girls on Saturday night as planned. So instead of being able to have a half of Saturday and all of Saturday night together childless, we had to work around the girls. Which actually worked out really well.

I was a bit nervous as the girls hadn't met Robin before, and while I might find him cute and cuddly, and generally lovely, there is no telling what children will come out with - especially when they are 6 & 7 and don't know what should and shouldn't be said. So they went off for their brownie outing and he came over, we got our time together without them, and then went and picked them up together.

Our time together on Saturday afternoon was wonderful, everything I had been waiting for to come together happened, we had good sex, enjoyed each others bodies, and then had some more sex. I couldn't believe how horny I was feeling and how much my body wanted his. Every movement was fantastic....
What was also lovely was the time spend just laying in each others arms talking and holding each other. I was very surprised to hear him tell me that he was starting to develop strong feelings for me. After all he had said about his previous treatment at the hands of the female population, I was expecting him to be a lot more reserved for much longer, if at all. Strangely I'd been talking to a friend on Friday who asked me how I felt about Robin and I'd had to admit for the first time to myself that I too was starting to feel something for him. I didn't leap in with a reply on Saturday, as I wanted to really get it straight in my head and be certain... Especially as I hadn't seen him with the girls by then. It was really hard to get the words out to tell him this evening how I did feel. I was so scared about rejection and being hurt again in some way, but something was compelling me to tell him, so I did.

As it happens, I needn't have worried about the girls, they took to him fairly instantly and all went well. Left him in bed for a lay in this morning while we went to church for Katherine's singing group recital (how green was I as I left the house)
Went for a drive this afternoon to see if we could see some trains and find somewhere to walk the children (really its like having a dog, they need regular exercise or they are horrible.)
Found the railway that runs between keighley and oxenhope(?) not completely convinced it was by accident as Robin had looked at the map before we went out! But you should have seen his eyes light up when he realised it was a diesel weekend.... It was like a child at Christmas. So we went from just having a look and a walk about, to actually having a ride on the trains.

The girls had a lovely time, Robin was brilliant with them and really made them part of the outing, not just a nuisance as they have been looked on in the past. I even caught myself being interested in some of the older trains that we had a look at in an engine shed.... I like my trains to have steam.

Got home and got tea done, we were all completely shattered, but that good type of shattered that you get at the end of a lovely weekend. The girls were in bed and out for the count by 7.20!

The hard part was saying goodbye to Robin and not being able to see him till next week. I will miss being held tightly in his arms. But at least I get to talk to him on the phone, and the way my week is shaping up, it could be a bit hectic here, again!

Off to bed now, need some sleep ready for the next bout of life this week and all it holds for me.

Retail Therapy!!!!

I'm off to the IKEA sale today, can't wait. I'm hoping for some kind of miracle to enable me to buy several huge bookcases for all our books on a very limited budget! it might happen you never know, stranger things have been known to come about!

Even if I don't achieve it though, it will be good to get out, and spend some time with Jacqui. I hadn't realised how I'd missed her and got used to having someone to chat to while I lived with her at Dad's.

Managed to get a really sexy pair of shoes off ebay yesterday, can't wait for them to arrive - actually more to the point I can't wait to wear them for Robin with black seamed stockings.... and to see the effect it has on him!

Been a busy couple of days, dealing with all sorts of things I've been putting off for too long, but it has been positive and a lot of good things have come out of it, all to show that perhaps I shouldn't use the head in the sand approach to deal with things.

Oh well, off to take the girls to school in the rain, hopefully that will keep a few shoppers away and I can have more of a free run at the bargins!

Found this on another log yesterday and thought it was really neat, so I've included it here. The artwork is fantastic and the comments surprisingly accurate too!


You are a slave


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

The Cat and The Mouse

Well, last night was progressing ok, until I went upstairs to run the bath for the girls. I'd left them downstairs finishing tea in the kitchen with the back door open.

Next thing I hear is "Mummy, Mummy, there's a mouse in the house"

Now my usual response is to be overcome with girlie squeeling and leap on a chair hoping some male will ride to my defense .... fat chance when its just me and the girls in the house.

So I put on my battered and dented armour and head downstairs to see what the fuss is about. Sure enough there is the cat trying in vain to get in a corner where some building materials are stacked after something. .Why she insists on bringing mice in to play with I'll never know, but I guess it was better than her usual middle of the night timing.

In the process of trying to unearth the mouse, I manage to knock a stack of wood over that had a sheet or two of glass in the middle and of course the cat scarpers. Leaving me to pick the mouse up (in a box, I'm not that daft) and put it outside.

Then I have to set to and clear up the devistation that has resulted! I pick the big bits up, have a go at picking up some of the smaller ones with my toes and decided the hoover is probably better suited for it.

First the extension wouldn't work, then the hoover wouldn't suck, so I emptied the bag, and the filter needed cleaning.... finally I got to hoover the bits of glass up. Then I had to help the girls clear up the box of beads that had been squashed by the falling timber.
What a saga ... would have made a great episode of Tom and Jerry..

Still, got the girls to bed eventually and had a lovely chat with the much beloved which was great, although not as good as being snuggled with him would have been.

Today was much better, made it to church on time - minor miracle in itself. Got back and had a quiet lunch and afternoon before heading over to Dad's for tea and a quiet cry on his shoulder as everything seemed to be getting a bit much for me today. Mind you it really helped and I'm feeling much better and more balanced again now. Sometimes I just think you need to hear that someone else believes in you and what you can do.

Oh well, off to avoid the football on telly and chat to the much beloved.

Wretched tonsils

I mean, what good are they, all they ever do is get infected and cause pain, not to mention getting in the way when you are deep throating!
The sore throat of wednesday morning got worse, so much so that it felt like I was swallowing razor blades every time I forgot myself and allowed the auto swallow reflex to kick in when I was drooling really badly.
My temp was impressive for me, I watched it hit 101F before I chickened out and stopped looking Mangaged to get the girls to school, climb the stairs and get into bed... too ill even to think about reading or watching telly... must have been bad.
I did get to see a dr in the afternoon (luckily I'd already got the appointment booked ages ago for something else), who took one look and said, oh yes that looks nasty! as if I hadn't already told her that!
Still, got a prescription for some antibiotics and hayfever tablets and soluable asprin while I was at it, so it didn't feel like a completely wasted trip.
Feeling better today, actually managed to find the energy to watch tv and knit a bit.. yes, my alter ego is an old granny, but I do usually manage to hide it.
The most difficult thing is that my much beloved is also poorly, and too far away for me to go and tend to him, not to mention that I'm in no state to get in a car for an hour and a half or so, get lost and turn up at his house univited.

I feel really helpless trying to look after him over the phone. I can't decide if I'm sounding concerned, over the top or just nagging at him! I hope not the last, as I've really tried to give that up... bad habit... bad habit..
Anyway, it all means that its highly unlikely we will be seeing each other this weekend, which we probably both need on a health front, so we can each recover. But it doesn't stop me missing him and the snuggles etc.
Still, I was talking to Mum earlier and she helped with a plan to get Dad to look after the girls for me next weekend so we can spend some time together.... more details to follow!
Anyway, I'm off to get the girls to bed, and put my feet up before ringing the much beloved for a lovely long chat to make sure he is ok.

Home again giggity gig

Well, I managed to make it down the country and back up again in one piece. Amazing really given that it was sooooo hot yesterday. Typical that my childrens social life required us to be back up here for last night, which necessitated travelling in the middle of the hottest day so far! I know where I would rather have been

It felt like we stopped at every service station going (I know we didn't as I can remember driving past at least two!) and consuming vast quantities of water and ice lollies. but hey, it was worth the price just to cool down.

The girls were really good I have to say and were really well behaved all things considered.
We saw some old friends where we used to live on monday too, which was really good for all of us. Lots of hugs all round from people that had missed us which was really nice. Not to mention cuddles with my God daughter who is so cute you could eat her.
What was hard was not being able to chat to Robin for a couple of days, possibly made harder by the fact we'd just spent some serious time together. Still I coped, I survived and last night it was lovely to be back on the phone to him again like usual before I went to bed.

What was even nicer was that it was him that asked when I was going to be able to see him again. I'd been wondering the same thing, but wasn't sure how to word it without it sounding all pressured and overly intense, so I was really chuffed when he mentioned it.

All I've got to do now is work out how to get Dad to have the girls for the night... that and get rid of this awful sore throat that I woke up with today.

Reality Strikes

Well, after another fantastic weekend of nothing spectacular, just time spent with a special someone, I've got to go and get the girls this afternoon.

There is a distinct feeling of inertia about collecting them, probably due in the main to having to drive for 4 hours to get there, and then in a day or so, drive back.

I'm also loathe to stop being me and having fun as a single person and go back to the constraints of being a full time mum again. The lure of spending most of the day in bed snuggling is very high and I think that if it weren't the fear of "the Mother" and what she would say if I didn't turn up to get the girls, I'd cheerfully stay put.

Still, all in all, its been a really good weekend, I've done some stuff I've never done before, and had a great time in doing it. And I've practiced that long forgotten art of adult cooking which has been a real joy too.
Oh well, back to reality, and a couple of days away from the computer!

Anticipation

Well, here we are at friday and not too long now before my special certain person will be here and I can have a big hug. I can't wait.
I feel like a child on christmas eve.

I have to say a week without the children and time to sleep and do what I want has been brilliant. I feel so much more relaxed than I did, and a lot less stressed thankfully.

I have started to miss the girls though, and it is good to have the prospect of Robin here for the weekend till I go to get them, otherwise I think I would have been moaping about the house in the same way the cat has. She is missing them terribly too from what I can tell.

I moved the furniture round in the lounge yesterday so we can snuggle on the sofa and watch tv, instead of having to be in separate chairs for tv watching. That and getting rid of a whole load of rubbish has really helped the lounge look a lot more like a home and less like a building site!

Well, I'm off to tidy the girls room and get rid of some junk they have got, before some housework and a trip to asda.

Harry Potter

Popped into Dad's last night just to say hello as it were, timed it dead right as tea was nearly ready, to be told that they were going to see Harry Potter and I was welcome to join them if I wanted.
Well, I've read the books (OK so who hasn't!) and I've seen the first two films, so I thought why not. After all, I neeeded to check it out in case the girls asked about going.

Well, lets just say that I won't be letting them see it, even when it does come out on video. I thought the spiders in the last one were bad enough, but the death eaters or what ever they were called in this one, were even worse.

Overall, not a bad film, certainly not as good as the book and nowhere near as good as LOTR.

Work as usual threw up the usual last minute cancellations for me to magically fix. I wonder sometimes at some people, you know.... oh yes, I can do the group..... oh no, somethings come up, I need to stare at my navel for some hours! I ask you.

And then there is the office, they seem to think I can create something out of nothing! how I'm supposed to come up with interviewees with no numbers to call is beyond me.
Oh well, back to the grindstone I guess.

Raining

After a truly wonderful couple of days the time came all to soon to say goodbye (for now at least) to Robin this morning. I think for two pins we would have both stayed in bed together, but the duty of taking his nephew out for the day and the lure of the trains were too strong.

or was that the fear of his sister?


As usual we were awake late into the night talking, but this time it was lovely to be held in his arms as we talked. I love to run my hands over his soft skin, just feeling his body and his closeness.

I guess its going to take a bit of getting used to, the diabeties and the problems it causes. I mean, I know a fair bit about diabetes, my Mum injects twice a day, so the 4 times a day injections aren't too much of a problem. Its just the affect it has on men's sex life. I know he is much more frustrated and upset and bothered by than I am, and for me its the whole person that I'm interested in, not just their ability to have copious quanitities of meaningless sex. But on the other hand, I am known to get really horny too. I guess its a case of being patient, and learning to do other things instead to relieve the sexual tension.

Having said that, I would happily trade the sex in on a permanent basis for the cuddles and the lovely way he is with me... its worth its weight in gold.



So, I got him out the door to go and face his sister for being late to pick the nephew up, then managed to drag myself to the computer to do some more work. A bit of a flurry of activity and managed to get it mostly sorted.

Trying to get the enthusiasm together to venure out into the rain and pay a cheque into the bank. I know I should but I really can't stand getting wet.

Still, if I do that, then I can justify going to see if Dad's home and I can get my birthday pressies

Then a quiet evening indoors with the tv and some knitting, and an early night i think....Ahh the bliss of being child free for a week.